The Secret Life of Melanie O.
Friday, September 30, 2005
I turn 46 tomorrow
It's my birthday tomorrow. And my husband has a few surprises in store for me. He must have been thinking about this for a while, as he recently lamented to me that I buy myself whatever I need or want, so, what's left over?

I think, once we get past a certain age, the material things, while they're nice, aren't really necessary any more. I don't know when that point occurs, but instead of thinking that I've got something nice, I'm thinking more along the lines of: "who should I Will this to?"

There are some things, however, that this middle-aged woman would love to get for her birthday:

France. Not a trip to France. I want France. And French history. French art. French couture and perfume. And Sophie Marceau's good looks.

I want my own parking space at the train station so that I don't have to endure one more ding or scrape to my car from the idiots who park too closely to me on the garden median where they shouldn't be parking in the first place.

I want a paintball gun that shoots quick-drying oil-based paint. So I can shoot cars that cut me off in traffic, or who won't allow me to merge so that they can "be first in line." And I want to practise my aim so that I can actually spell out "Moron Asswipe Driver" on the back of the car using the paintballs.
Paintball Kit

I want a blow dart gun with darts that have a powerful knockout drug so that I can put to sleep anyone in the movie theater who insists on talking throughout a movie. I also want darts that explode on impact so that I can take out cell phones in:
a) restaurants
b) public toilets
c) theaters
d) my office.

chickensI want a ray gun that robs abusive people of their voices and makes them cluck like chickens. I would use this whenever I see an adult belittling a child, an adult abusing another adult, or on my neighbor's dog, who barks at all hours of the night.

I also want an international law passed that prohibits these people from holding any kind of major public office (including President of the United States, Prime Minister of any country, or Fearless Leader by any other name): all alcoholics, megalomaniacs, people who made it on "Daddy's money" instead of their own, misogynists, religious fanatics, people who've never struggled to make a living, people with an IQ lower than 130, porn addicts, puppets, muppets, and pawns.

Too bad you won't find THESE in the Hammacher-Schlemmer catalog.

Of course, cake is always nice, too.

posted by Melanie O. at 7:20 PM -
  • At 9:42 AM, Blogger gardenbug said…

    These are the things that I want for my birthday:
    a Geiger counter and a taser gun.
    No more Ms. nice lady.

    Also: you might try NOT buying everything you want and let Dan know something is on your wish list.

    Happy Birthday...and don't pose in that filmy thing again.

  • At 5:04 PM, Blogger LivinginOz said…

    heh-heh! Thank you Mom for mistaking me for Sophie Marceau. I'll love you forever. *mwah!* xox *giggling*

Post a Comment

About Me
Name: Melanie O.
Home: Durham, North Carolina, United States
About Me: Female, American health and beauty-conscious professional who has rekindled a childhood love of dolls.
See my profile...

Another Retro Housewife
Brought to you by
Previous Posts
If you read this blog,
you're not alone!
Sydney Weather
    The WeatherPixie
Favorite Links

You are visitor number