The Secret Life of Melanie O.
Saturday, October 08, 2005
The spider
I resent radical feminists telling us women that men are only good for one thing (taking out the trash.) Every woman knows that men are good for more than that. Mine is good for getting rid of spiders.

I love to take baths at night. They relax me, open up the pores in my skin, and since we've got a spa bath and I have lots of lovely bath products, bath time becomes my escape time and I can choose whether or not I want to be surrounded by the scent of roses, lavender, or Dove. Ooo-ooo-la-la! Heaven.

So, imagine my indignation, when I recently went to pour my bath, and there was a great big spider just hanging out in it. No - a great, big, UGLY spider, like a big black mole on the white complexion of my spa.

Now, I live in Australia, reknowned for the fact that 90% of all spiders that reside here are poisonous to varying degrees. It was going to be him.... or me. And it sure wasn't going to be me! Being the determined woman that I am (I wasn't going to let one measly poisonous spider keep me from my appointed ablutions,) I did what any assertive American woman would do: I yelled for my husband.

Now, my husband's way of dealing with the spider would have been to swish it down the drain and wash it away with a cold blast of water, or coax it into a glass so that he could return it to the garden. My way of dealing with the spider was different:

Me: What are you doing with that hand towel?
Him: I'm going to swish it down the drain.
Me: *going over to toilet and grabbing wad of toilet paper* - Just squash the darn thing.
Him: But I hate killing spiders. I was thinking I might be able to get it back out in the garden.
Me: No you weren't. You just said you were going to flush it down the drain. What do you want to do, give it a slow, agonizing death from drowning and asphyxiation, or just kill it mercifully - *splat* - quick and painless. It won't know what hit it.

*"splat" was interesting sound effect I made that was a cross between a fart sound and another fart sound.*

In the end, it was a compromise. First, he squished the spider using the toilet paper, and THEN he flushed it down the toilet, which is, after all, a drain. That's what marriage is all about. Compromise.
posted by Melanie O. at 10:13 AM -
  • At 6:37 AM, Blogger gardenbug said…

    Hello you. I am back from New Hampshire and trying to catch up on mail and e-mail. I loved your spider essay. I never could make friends with any of them. Admired a wasp one time...from a distance.

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About Me
Name: Melanie O.
Home: Durham, North Carolina, United States
About Me: Female, American health and beauty-conscious professional who has rekindled a childhood love of dolls.
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