The Secret Life of Melanie O.
Monday, March 06, 2006
The Oscars
Nothing amuses me more than watching a huge awards ceremony like the Oscars, and I have to wonder why? Is it because I’m just viewing the faces of people that I know from the media and there’s some kind of familiarity there? The entertainment is mediocre. OK, the gowns are nice (some of them,) but that can’t be the reason why so many eyes are glued to the television set for Academy Awards night.

I think I have the appeal figured out, however: in addition to ooohing and ahhhing over the bling and the gowns, my friends and I are secretly playing “Mr Blackwell,” and we’re slagging the stars. In all fairness, when you put yourself out on the Red Carpet, you have to be prepared to be slagged. When you earn that much money for entertaining people, the people have a right to pick you apart:

“Look at Charlize’s gown. WTF is that hideous oversized bow doing on her shoulder? Naomi Watts looks like she stepped out of a paper shredder. Heath Ledger could have at least shaved. That ‘stache looks nappy.” It’s a great way to vent your jealousy over the fact that these people earn more in an hour than you earn in a year.

I try to imagine if this would work on a much smaller scale, say – for a bowling academy. I am thinking of the commentary from my livingroom.

Announcer: “And now, for the bowler with the highest accrued score in a single league, the nominees are:
Billy Bob Johnson from the Altoona Sharks,
Jay Kaszewicki of the Milwaukee Suds,
Jane Cleeson of the Indianapolis Rollers!”

“And the winner is:…”

This is when the viewer gets up to grab another bag of chips.

“Jay Kaszewicki!”

Jay Kaszewicki’s eyes well up with tears. A narrator comes on:

“Jay Kaszewicki tonight is wearing a stunning powder blue Vintage 50’s bowling shirt, made from cotton poplin and starched to a stunning sheen. Jay prefers to wear Dockers shorts and a matching pair of two toned blue bowling shoes completes the ensemble.”

Jay steps up to the microphone to accept his trophy. He sobs, “You like me! You REALLY like me!”
posted by Melanie O. at 2:48 PM -
  • At 4:00 PM, Anonymous Don said…

    I'm sorry I missed the Oscars again for the 10th year? 15th? I forget. I was watching a boring car race on TV Sunday at the laundromat not knowing the real drama in a race down in Mexico. They penalized and disqualified my son from racing Sunday claiming he cut across the 90 mile course.
    They haven't invented video recorders there yet...........
    Oh well. He'll be home in ten hours or so.

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About Me
Name: Melanie O.
Home: Durham, North Carolina, United States
About Me: Female, American health and beauty-conscious professional who has rekindled a childhood love of dolls.
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