The Secret Life of Melanie O.
 
Tuesday, October 18, 2005
Birth control
Warning: bringing a woman into your life will change it forever. Sure, sex on demand is great - if only it was on demand. You will find, as a man, that women have control over your love life.

A woman's life goes in cycles. Why do you think those pagans held all of those festivals on the full moon? All the women in the tribe were fertile then. Think about it - they all had cycles that were in synch with the moon. This gave each woman in the tribe the equal chance of passing their genes on because they were all fertile at the same time. You can see this amazing natural phenomenon in action in a college dorm, where the inhabitants' monthly cycles will slowly come into synch with each other.

Imagine being the father of girls, like my father was. In any given month, there was a household of three women, all with PMS at the same time. The monthly expense in paper and hygiene products was enough to cover the GNP of a small country. You could mark the occasion of PMS by observing the sailing of pots and pans across the room, and the echo of expletives on the air. Fortunately for my father, he had a garage and a hobby car: a 1936 Packard. If you are a man reading this and are contemplating marriage or cohabitation, plan ahead and make sure you have a hobby like bowling, auto restoration, or iceberg sailing, for safe escape.

Now, for every down side, there is an up side. The up side is a woman's fertile time. She will be raging with hormones and you'll be wondering just what she did to earn her pocket money in college. Imagine your surprise when she turns from being a placid being, into a wild woman who exhausts you and leaves you with your eyeballs spinning. You'll almost be able to feel the hair growing on your chest. Most men love this time in the cycle. But they also fear it, because this fertile time can also mean unplanned pregnancy. As with most fun things in life, the amount of raging hormones a woman has, is in direct proportion to the laxness of her application of contraceptives. Therefore, the man, should he not want to pass his genes on, will have to take extra precautions, himself.

Men are ripped off in the contraception department. Women have all kinds of things available to them: pills, sponges, creams, gels, barriers (*Hey you! yeah you! Let me see some ID!*), and flannel pajamas. Men are limited to one thing and one thing only. Condoms. BORING. Men hate them. They don't want to use them, but they have fun playing with them - blowing them up into huge balloons and wearing them on their head. So, I have some ideas for making condoms that men will actually use:

Condoms should have cars printed on them. They wouldn't look like anything in their original rolled up condition, but as they are unrolled and expand - hey! Look! It's a midnight blue Maserati GT! Each condom could be a "surprise." You won't know what hot sportscar you're wearing until you put it on. Larger sizes could be printed with Monster Trucks.

Condoms could have a nudie pinup printed on them that only appears when the condom is warmed up to body temperature. You know, like those color change novelty "stripper" glasses. Who's it this time? Why, it's Penthouse Playmate April '98! Or, for those with other tastes, Mr. Universe, 2002.

They could come with coupons: bring in proof of purchase for twenty packs, get free tickets to see AC/DC!

Condoms could come with complimentary cigarettes for those who like to smoke afterwards. *Gentlemen, try our new Stuff 'n Puff pack. Now, in menthol!*

Now, what guy wouldn't want to use those? I mean, c'mon. He'd be chomping at the bit to use them. Somewhere, there's someone in product development who has really fallen down on the job. Pass the Viagra.
posted by Melanie O. at 8:20 PM -
3 Comments:
  • At 3:55 AM, Blogger chimera said…

    Hi there, just wanted to say I love your blog - some really funny insights here !

     
  • At 8:49 AM, Blogger LivinginOz said…

    Thank you, chimera. A humorous outlook on life and relationships is what keeps me sane. :-)

     
  • At 9:44 PM, Blogger gardenbug said…

    I love your marketing ideas for confoms. You write in jest, I know. However, good ideas are good ideas. Why don't you patent your ideas and find a company to manufacture them? No I am NOT jesting. You could make some real money.

     
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About Me
Name: Melanie O.
Home: Durham, North Carolina, United States
About Me: Female, American health and beauty-conscious professional who has rekindled a childhood love of dolls.
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