The Secret Life of Melanie O.
Thursday, January 12, 2006
I am not a morning person
I joined in an online discussion the other day regarding the fact that getting out of bed was the most hazardous part of the day. I'd like to concur. In fact, I'd like to share some of my morning disasters.

Let me preface this by saying that unless I can wake up naturally (that is, at the end of a sleep cycle and not by alarm clock or other disturbance,) I am a zombie for the entire day. My body may be moving around and performing tasks that are somewhat logical, but my brainwaves are still in a sleep pattern. I would bet, if you hooked me up to an EEG at 6 am, it would show me in a Delta state, even if I was washing my face at the sink.

I do not wake up before 9 am. It doesn't matter if I get up at 6 am, I am not awake until 9 am (or sometimes, 10 am.) I have arrived to work, and discovered, upon the first trip of the day to the women's toilets that:

  • my pantyhose was on backwards
  • my underwear was on inside out (bra and/or panties)
  • my contact lenses were switched (no wonder I was having trouble walking down those stairs)
  • I had toothpaste down the front of my shirt
  • my shirt was buttoned wrong
  • my slip was bunched up into my panties
  • I forgot my watch
  • I forgot my lunch
  • I forgot my mobile phone
  • my shoes and/or socks were mismatched

Huh? What? I'm smiling but I don't know what's going on. Can I go back to bed now?

Fortunately, not all of these things happened on the same day, or I have no doubt I would be living in a padded cell right now. It scares me to think I have to drive to the railway station at 7 am.

Today, however, I am wondering if even waking up "naturally" is going to save me from the hazard of getting out of bed. Today I was going through my usual routine, and put my earrings and watch on the sink countertop so that I would not forget them for work. Surely, once I was done washing my face and putting on my makeup, they would be there, staring me in the face. I was much pleased at my cleverness, as all attempts at making mental lists so far had failed me. This time, I was going for the visual.

So, 15 minutes later, I'm washed, have fresh makeup on, and go to put some things in my purse (including my mobile phone which I actually remembered to recharge the night before.) And then I remembered my earrings and the watch. The watch went on, and then I noticed: there was only ONE earring sitting there! Oh no! These are gold earrings, small enough to get accidentally swiped into the drain of the sink and washed away forever!

I panicked and looked all over for the missing earring. It wasn't on the floor. It wasn't near my purse. I spent 10 minutes looking for that earring and realised that it was getting late and almost time for me to leave for work and I had to give up. My heart sank. My earring had to have gotten accidentally wiped into the sink and was gone. It wouldn't be the first time I lost an expensive earring early in the morning when my brain wasn't fully functioning. And not the first one to go down the drain. I was angry and frustrated with my brainlessness.

I sadly went to put the remaining earring in my jewelry box and wiped my hair from my face. And there ... was the other earring ... laughing at me from its mounting on my ear lobe. I had put the thing on while I was putting on my makeup and totally forgot!

I state my case. I am a pathetic morning zombie from hell. My husband says he is married to a blank space - one that he doesn't even try to talk to until 9 am.

posted by Melanie O. at 7:37 PM -
  • At 5:23 AM, Blogger Y said…

    Oh, I'm right there with ya, sister. I have to wake up at least 2 hours before I leave the house: at least an hour for my brain to begin functioning, and another hour to navigate clothing choices and hair trauma. When I have to wake up by alarm, I always feel like I'm drunk. And I haven't had a drink since last Saturday!

  • At 9:19 PM, Blogger LivinginOz said…

    Hiya "Y"!

    You and me both - maybe we could start a support group, LOL!

  • At 12:39 PM, Anonymous Don Necessary said…

    Hi Melanie,
    I'm quite the opposite. I hate to miss a sunrise. I never take naps and at night I read till I collapse. By the way I have an idea. I am sending all of my spare Canadian change (which is useless in St. Louis) to a Canadian shelter for the homeless.

    I'm trying to convince as many Americans to do the same as fast as possible. Imagine their surprise! Pass it on!

  • At 10:07 PM, Blogger LivinginOz said…

    Don - that's great about the donations for the homeless! They are truly the one group of people on this planet who really can't seem to get out of their hole without a lot of help. It beats handouts on the streets, in my opinion.

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About Me
Name: Melanie O.
Home: Durham, North Carolina, United States
About Me: Female, American health and beauty-conscious professional who has rekindled a childhood love of dolls.
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