The Secret Life of Melanie O.
Sunday, December 11, 2005
Never get your husband to wash the car
My darling husband volunteered to wash the car for me today. Because it's parked in the shade of a small tree, it is the unwitting recipient of numerous bird droppings. Which is a nuisance when you're recovering from a drought and there are strict restrictions on water usage. You can wash a car, but only if you use buckets. No hoses allowed.

So, after we got back from grocery shopping, my husband decided to get out all of the necessary items for washing the car. The Maguire's car wash, a big bucket, and the mega sized sponge I bought a couple of years ago just for washing cars. Except that the mega sponge was nowhere to be found.

I suggested that Dan look under the kitchen sink, which was its last known hiding spot. Instead of rummaging around under the sink, my husband decided to rearrange the contents of what was there. He discovered a small tool used for tightening the faucet, and had to take a momentary break to use it. He also rearranged my pot holders, tea towels, cleaning supplies, and food wraps. Total time lapsed, 20 minutes.

He then pulled out heaps of plastic bags, the quantity of which could supply a small grocery store, that we had no idea had accumulated over the past months. I walked out into the kitchen to get myself a Diet Coke, and discovered my husband buried under a mound of shopping bags. He did stop his rummaging for a moment to show me the recovered faucet-tightening tool and explained its use on the faucet. I respectfully listened and then promptly forgot its proper use.

I opened the fridge to get my drink, and he requested "me, too." So, I poured both him and myself a glass of Diet Coke, and I set his on the counter top, where I was sure it would be out of his way, as he sat, on the floor, buried in mounds of plastic grocery bags.

Five minutes later, as I sat doing some sewing repairs in another room, I heard an almighty crash, followed by a stream of yelling and curse words. To any other person, you might think that Dan had just accidentally chopped off his arm. No, he had reached up to the counter from his spot on the floor, to boost himself up, grabbed the Coke by the rim of the glass, and pulled the glass and its contents downward with full force. The glass bounced gracefully off the rim of the bucket and landed on the one spot on the kitchen floor that was NOT covered in plastic bags, where it shattered and sprayed everything with Diet Coke.

To add insult to injury, he didn't find the sponge. I described it to him and said I was sure that I had put it away under the sink.

"Oh - THAT sponge?" he asked. "I brought that to work with me one day to clean my truck and it's still sitting inside it."

After my eyes stopped rolling, he went and filled the bucket with soap and water and proceeded to wash the car. His actions were interspersed with several outbursts:

"This is stupid! You can hose your lawn but you have to use a bucket to wash your car. Why can't you put your car on the lawn and use the hose? Oh no - politicians don't think that way."

"Bloody ridiculous! There's hardened bird crap all over the car. Do you think I can get it off with just a bucket of water?"

"I have to wash with a bucket of water, but I have to use a bloody PITCHER to rinse the soap off!"

"I am not having a good day. I just dropped the sponge in the bucket of soapy water, and soap just splashed up all over my glasses!"

I don't know if he does this to entertain me, or to make me feel sorry for him. If it's to entertain me, he has his perfected his methods. If it's to make me feel sorry for him .... heh-heh! It's still entertaining!

The car looks great now. It's tidy and organised under the sink. I think it's safe now to pour him another glass of Diet Coke.
posted by Melanie O. at 4:04 PM -
  • At 11:10 AM, Blogger gardenbug said…

    Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha. I love your humorous take on life and relationships. Gardenbug

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About Me
Name: Melanie O.
Home: Durham, North Carolina, United States
About Me: Female, American health and beauty-conscious professional who has rekindled a childhood love of dolls.
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