The Secret Life of Melanie O.
Thursday, December 08, 2005
Coffee: the devil's brew
I never used to drink coffee, mainly for religious reasons that are no longer relevant in my life, plus the fact that the watered down stuff they sell in the USA is just plain nasty (even if it does smell heavenly.) But about four years ago, after I moved to Australia, I decided to try authentic barista coffee.

At first, I was bewildered by the array of styles of coffee: espresso (the basic,) and macchiato. From there it was cappuccino and latté, as well as flat white and long black. For the fanciful, you could choose a mocha, a cafe Vienna, or a coffee frappe. I was instantly hooked. Soon, I found that I needed a barista style coffee every morning in order to wake up. Coffee became one of those indulgences that was perfectly social and acceptable. I was paying outrageous amounts for a measly cup of coffee.

To be honest, I didn't care that I was paying as much for a cup of coffee as some people pay for a sandwich, until, I noticed that a) I was gaining weight, and b) it was mainly in my boobs. Now, I had heard a story about a woman who had increased her breast size from a B to a D cup in a year by purely drinking three cappuccinos a day, but I thought it was purely urban legend. No - no Urban Legend. I am living proof.

I remember those little Italian grandmothers back in my home state of New York with their large bosoms and thought "that will never be me. I'm not Italian." But I think I've figured it out. It's because of barista coffee! Now I can't find clothes that fit me properly. They are either nice and fitted in the waist, with the buttons popping open across my chest, or they fit me across the chest, and make me look like I'm in my second trimester of pregnancy. I think I will have to invest in a sewing machine.

Ladies - forgo those breast implants. Just stay on a steady diet of cappuccinos and flat whites and your breasts will increase at least two cup sizes.

Oh PLEASE. Make it stop! I'm hoping that if I quit cold turkey, my boobs won't get any larger. I already feel lopsided. My top half is a size larger than my bottom half. The laws of physics are laughing at me. Husband likes it, though. I guess there's an upside to everything.

posted by Melanie O. at 8:49 PM -
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About Me
Name: Melanie O.
Home: Durham, North Carolina, United States
About Me: Female, American health and beauty-conscious professional who has rekindled a childhood love of dolls.
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