The Secret Life of Melanie O.
Monday, June 05, 2006
On the eighth day God created the Web
I’m not a very religious person, and my spiritual beliefs are all over the map, but I am certain of one thing: if there is a God, He created eBay. Retail shopping has become nearly a thing of the past in our household. In fact, about the only time we go out shopping is to buy our weekly groceries, and I have since found out that we can do that online and have the food delivered to us. It’s only a matter of time before I give in to trying it. At least once.

I have been able to buy nearly everything I wear from eBay. Clothes, shoes, handbags, jewelry, makeup, perfume …. as long as I am prepared to be patient to receive it, I search on eBay before heading down to the mall. I can usually get something that’s good quality, for much less than retail, and the vendors, for the most part, are helpful and friendly for fear of getting the dreaded negative feedback rating.

Getting a negative feedback rating on eBay is like the kiss of death. If no one will do business with you on eBay, it’s like being told you can never, ever have ice cream again for as long as you live. Or chocolate. Or sex. Once you go through that auction door, you can never look back. It’s like losing your virginity.

I’ve got Dan hooked on eBay as well, although he tends to sell more than he buys. We’re a perfectly balanced pair, he and I. I’ve never been much of a collector of anything, so I don’t have “neat stuff” to sell. Dan’s had model trains, Ferrari memorabilia, electronics, and work tools that he’s sold online. So, he sells his old stuff, and I buy him new stuff. The old clutter is being replaced by new clutter. And thus our life stays in perfect balance.

There are some things that have been listed on eBay, however, that I wonder about.
Who would buy these things?

• A toasted cheese sandwich with a burn mark in the shape of the Virgin Mary on the bread
• A used piece of chewing gum, once enjoyed by Britney Spears
• A ghost in a jar
• A dismantled fighter jet (which sold for just over $1 million US)
• Virginity (hey – better than just “giving it away” I suppose)

I guess, if you have to have an addiction, eBay is the thing to be addicted to. Fortunately, as with imbibing a glass of wine, I know when to stop. I am sure there are eBay-a-holics who need treatment.
No doubt there’s an online forum out there that can help them.

I'm probably a member.

Postscript: I have been wracking my brain, trying to think of things that I might be able to sell on eBay. I've come up with this short, but vivid list of items:

1) pubic hair clippings. For the person who wants to know what my real hair color is.
2) unwashed underwear - for those who like that lingering feminine scent
3) old vinyl records that never get played (with the exception of my jazz, classical, Beatles and Bowie collections - I'll probably be buried with those) I think that might leave six albums.
4) assorted collection of half-used perfumes. You know the kind: you try it on in the store and think it smells great, but after you buy it, it turns out that the scent turns on you after four hours
5) old computer application manuals, for the person who is still using Colorado backup, BitFax, and Microsoft Works

They say that one man's junk (or woman's) is another man's treasure.
posted by Melanie O. at 12:37 PM -
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About Me
Name: Melanie O.
Home: Durham, North Carolina, United States
About Me: Female, American health and beauty-conscious professional who has rekindled a childhood love of dolls.
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